Aries South Node opposite Sun & Moon

“I did not enter into silence. Silence captured me.”

— Ezra Pound, from Selected Letters

I remember a time in my early life when my father would grab my jaw in a strong grip hold and flick his heavy fingers against my mouth. I remember in 3rd grade when a strict teacher wanted absolute silence in her classroom and she had caught me whispering and proceeded to grip me by the jaw with one hand putting her angry face across me then froze for a only a mere moment. It lasted for no more than second but I caught the change in her face. I could tell she was about to tell me off but something had stopped her. In her quick cruel hold, my face had immediately tensed visibly, my eyes shut so hard, and my mouth clamped shut in a thin line. She took a step back and gave me a warning.

My early life wasn’t easy. There was a wild flurry of changes happening to us and most of my family had found it difficult. Hence, from the childish ears of mine, all I could ever hear was complaints, harsh words, and palpable strained silence. We were barely making it through the damage of the wild changes that there was no room for love, nurture, or even words of affection. There were only apologies and regrets.

Soon enough, when I could finally speak, I had learned the language of violent outbursts. It was blunt, straightforward, and cutting like I have always heard. But unlike my mother who was treated by my father with patience and understanding, I was punished for it. When they had met with love, I was met with agitation, impatience, and cruel words.

I began firing back when I was 7. My self-respect was starting to form but it was retaliated with abuse and cutting words not meant for a child to hear. Mischief was also beginning to form but their punishment taught me to be silent.

We were having a substitute teacher in 5th grade, he singled me out in the class because I was too silent too uncooperative never speaking. He told me, “You’re beautiful, you should speak more.” I was overwhelmed with shame from what he said. He had obviously thought that I would be loved more if I had spoken more openly. I never shared the painful retaliations of his suggestion.

Also, in that class, another teacher brought in a handmade letter that was meant as an exercise for technical writing. We were given the instructions to write a letter of plea to the government for support in the wildlife at an isolated town. She read that letter out loud and proceeded to applaud me for writing it. Her words had never sunk in. How could I? She obviously thought that the words were coming from a place of kindness when the truth is so much more to the contrary. It was coming from a place of fear.

In my early life, I learned that my native language had been used to abuse me, mentally and emotionally. Those abuse had left scars. And those scars were fear; the fear of speaking, the fear of pain followed by shame.

I was young when I had already heard several apologies from my parents because they have gone above and beyond to mock and punish me. It was painful to hear. And their hugs had left me cold. I was struck with the severe emotion of being misunderstood. I had wondered, if not them then how can anyone else? The experience had ultimately made me isolated from everyone else. I could never express myself for so many fears that’s too unbearable to tell.

I haven’t outgrown it. It is something that I always carry with me. When I’m in class, I constantly tell myself to not be a smartass when I knew the answer. I shouldn’t let anyone have the chance to single me out. To reassure everyone that I’m just like them. I was moved to be very strict on these rules when an incident happened in the university: there was a mix-up about our final projects and the professor was demanding an explanation. I had done the project well within the guidelines and had passed it before deadline. It was a misunderstanding and I didn’t understand how it had gotten there. When I couldn’t give a reason for the mix-up the professor had started raising his voice to a boom much like my father gets when angry. My mind completely blanked that time, my shoulders immediately hunching for cover as I took a step back. And there it was again. The sudden change in their faces. And my overwhelming shame. Was it the total lack of control of my body when it had braced for impact? Was it the realization that loud voices terrify me because of the following abuse? Or was it the fact that I had been abused?

And since I am much too proficient in the language of violence — that spiteful language of anger — it was very easy to become hated. When people despise me, it feels like coming home. A sort of comfort zone because of the familiarity. Could you already tell? Have you come to the conclusion yet?

My home is a war zone.

(This article is written for the awareness of the natal Aries South Node opposing the Sun&Moon and because of Chiron that conjuncts my Mercury)

 

Pierce the dark soil, make bare the secrets of the Earth’s deep heart

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“And the terror was just so … crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. So I just made a choice. I’d let the fear in, let it take over, let it do its thing, but only for five seconds, that’s all I was going to give it. So I started to count: One, two, three, four, five. Then it was gone. I went back to work, sewed her up and she was fine.”

– Jack, Episode 1 in Lost

Nature is Dark. Something gets buried underneath the earth knowing that no light could ever come through the solid mass. But how does heavy vegetation flourish from such a dark mass? It surrenders.

In the picture of the The Dark Oracle, she holds in her palms the Star and the Moon. Both of her objects represents Hope and Emotions. Looking forward to the future has always been a matter of hope, this Oracle asks to surrender hope and start looking presently; as it is not as it could be. And finally, when Nature pulls us under in its earthy embrace we are granted a boon for feeling all feelings; to get to feel the heat of the sun, the tears of the sky, the kisses of the wind, and the comforts of our own embrace. When the ability to keep to oneself arises from our submission, we are now able to let ourselves admit some of our own deepest desires [the unconscious] that so thoroughly dictates our actions without us knowing about it.

Going back to the quote above, Jack tells Kate that there is something very odd about fear.  He needed to let himself feel all the terror then to submit to the waves of fear so he could get what he wanted.

I’m looking to relate The Dark with the Moon. When the Moon finally yields, the Sun presents itself in worldly manner letting everyone know what he desires. It is a cycle. People cannot fully know what one intends when the needs are not met.

Past Card Interpretation

There has been tremendous pressure in the past. A sort of struggle through getting what you want. You may have been immersing yourself through the comforts of the home, of what is familiar. The temptations of safety and security was too great. Your purpose/style in life [how u live, how u start, how u get on] might have been called into question.

Present Card Interpretation

You may be going through some disappointments that challenges your overall purpose in life, or your identity, like how you go about living life. It is wise to remember that every pressure and struggle you are going through only helps with developing this core perseverance within to ultimately build an original character strength of a mighty fiber, as always.

You know what you need. Plant your feet into the ground before reaching for the skies. That means resources has to be met and guaranteed as a firm foundation so you don’t easily lose your stand when you go reaching up to the stars.

Future Card Interpretation

“In the dark I rest,

unready for the light which dawns

day after day, eager

to be shared.

Black silk, shelter me. 

I need more of the night

before I open eyes and heart

 to the sun. I must still

grow in the dark

like a root not ready,

not ready at all.”

-Denise Levertov

When you get this card for the Future interpretation, there will undoubtedly be unfairness or injustices that may torment that could easily lead to a state of hopelessness. There may be a nagging sense of regret or anxiety that keeps you in place instead of being pushed forward for productivity. And there is no going around the fact that you must get comfortable on your own again, become secure in your own standing, and also get the support of your loved ones. As the seed inside the Earth cannot possibly grow without the help of the other elements surrounding it.

 

 

Weave the dance on the floor of the breeze, enchant the day that too swiftly flees

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          When you get this card, there is danger of the notable ‘Binding Chains’ seen in the namesake animated show. The danger lies in being bound to hasty judgments and it foretells of capture from enchanting ideas.

             The Wind is Air, and in symbolism, it signifies ‘communication’. If you have received this card, there is profound significance to how one is getting through people, how one forwards their ideas, and receives them. It would do best if the information coming in gets duly noted, because whether you may know it or not, it is meaningful.

Past Card

Fixed situations getting opposed by the winds of change. These changes must have dropped in like a turbulent storm, or been carefully built up through slow surprising alterations. Traditional perspectives getting crushed and being replaced with more forward open-minded means. However it came, the querent won’t be able to help seeing their life/relationships as hostile or wondering why they are always on the receiving end of everything.

Future Card

“Wind’s in the east, a mist coming in
Like something is brewing and about to begin”

— Bert in Mary Poppins

Most likely you will find yourself making hasty expectations to others and on your own. It is meaningful to remember that each person has a certain attitude they show to perform well in a situation. What people show in a certain time might not be who they truly are. It will benefit you to delay from figuring out people/situations too quick, there might be more to them than how they make themselves seem.

Present Card

This should be an upbeat, refreshing time where progressive changes are happening in your life/relationships. The hype is heated, and the possibilities are exciting! Your ideas are flowing in freely. There is always something to talk about. Enjoyable times.

Significator Card*

If we look at astrology, we know that the Air Signs of the Zodiac are smart thinkers. They often appear calm and collected, can handle abstract reasoning well,  and turn cold when the balance is upset. The Windy people are used to being seen as progressive; always moving about from one state to another, whether it is their own personality or perspective, the way is ever-more forward and ever changing. Nothing is constant. At their best, they are exciting and enjoyable people to be around with.

Their true essence shows in the hype of gradual acceleration . Staying rooted to one boring place sounds appalling, and if they do get locked in, it affects the mental well-being making them seem like a remote cold draft in the harsh winters. If  you want The Windy person to become a summer breeze of cloudless skies, stir them up by stimulating their mental faculties! Gossip, trendy movies, or just the average repugnant morning news, talk ’em into it, suggest a drama!

*this is a card you pull after asking, “Who Am I?”